I have been the type who stayed stuck in the past. I would play past mistakes and beat myself up badly for doing them. Past regrets such as not saving for retirement sooner, not saving money, not focusing on myself, staying in one job area rather than trying new things, and just letting failed jobs attempts (wasn’t learning fast at Wal Mart as they want you to learn everything in 2 days) get to me to the point where I’d be so negative towards myself. I can remember saying to myself, "Why am I so dumb?” Or “I hate being a slow learner I’m going to struggle my whole entire life because of my slow mind”. But now I realize that the past is dead and can’t be brought back to life. The best thing for me to do is focus on making my future better by doing what I can in the present to make my future self-happy.  

I'm turning 41 this month. I feel like I'm too old to do anything. In my youth all I did was focus on relationships, nothing else. Now soon to be 41 after being used and having broken my heart at least 12 times, I'm trying to change for the better. The good news is in my youth I stayed away from drugs, drinking, smoking, didn't have kids, and didn't get married instead I did get into fitness and healthy eating at 21 and kept it going all these years and got into meditation, mindfulness, and deep breathing exercises so at least I did do some good things but having my whole world revolve around relationships toke a lot of positive things I could have done in my youth away. Now I'm trying to find ways to better myself. Trying to save up some money and doing some self-love for myself since I've always been the type to beat myself up all my life and put myself down. Always been a ppl pleasure always putting others first and not thinking of myself. Always thought of or was chasing some guy who just act like he was interested in, but he was just using me for money or sex. I’m starting to think of myself and let go of that feeling of being too old. I know emotions are just emotions and not facts. No matter my age, I want to do things that improve my life. This is life and improving myself is what my life is going to be about.  

Breakups on my own

I'm soon to be 41 and I've been through plenty of breakups and had to learn on my own. It’s a lot. First, I was shocked. In denial. I didn’t think someone would do this to such a nice person as me. I remember when I broke no contact I’d get put on delivered or left on read. Or put on block. I think the toughest was being left on deliver. Days turned into weeks. Then weeks turned into months and that’s when the denial wore off and reality kicked in. Thats when the tears came and they came hard. Mornings were the worst. Thats when I’d wake up and realize I was back to the living nightmare of a breakup. I’d cry more and more. Having to go to work with this breakup on my mind was hard to fake a smile and pretend that I was ok and not actually dying inside after my heart got ripped out. I can remember going to the bathroom during breaks and crying. I can remember days when I’d stare at my phone wishing they would call me only for my phone to be silent. My friends and family were there to check on me, but it was me who had to ride out the emotions til they were done healing. After the emotions were healed, I had to reset my mind as it was a war zone after a breakup. I started with being mindful of my thoughts and accepting them as well as the emotions as just thoughts and emotions from a breakup, nothing more. I also learned from Stoicism Marcus Aurelius quote, "You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you will find your strength.” Honestly, that really helped me. I realized I had no control of my ex breaking up with me and nothing could change that. The only thing I had control of was me. Thats when I started accepting my emotions and resetting my mind. It takes time as I have OCD but I also practiced meditation in my late 20s so that helped ground and center me. Time really does heal if you let it. I also learned acceptance. Accepting things and people I can’t control.  

When you see your ex has moved on with someone else and you're still hurting or still have feelings. 

You will be hurt a lot. You can’t get away from the hurt. Just accept it. 

Do not text them. Thats just letting them know they’ve won. 

Do not compare yourself to them. Just focus on your path to healing. 

Do not follow them on social media or in person. Unfollow them. 

Don’t bad mouth them. 

Don’t beat yourself up. It won’t change things, and it will just make you feel worse.  

Don’t live inside your head thinking the same stories as it doesn’t help or change anything.  

Events like this happen. You can’t change it, but you can work on healing and making yourself a better person. You can’t control outside things or people you can only control yourself.  

Sometimes you can be the best partner in the world, and they still leave. Sometimes it's not you that caused them to leave; it's who they are. If you know you’ve done everything you could for the relationship and you know you were good to them then let them go as in that case it's you, its just who they are. And you can’t change who they are. People are going to say and do what they want even when they know they have done you wrong and your hurting from the breakup. So don’t live in the past thinking about all the time and energy you put into the relationship. You can’t get the past back after you invest in the relationship.  

Everyone talks about putting love back into yourself after a breakup but how?

I been through plenty of breakups. Honestly, after a breakup I learned you put love back into yourself by being there for yourself, being your best friend, speaking to yourself like you would to a friend, and making positive changes for me it was small things like drinking water every morning and cutting back on soda then it was big steps getting a better paying job and finally financing myself a decent car rather than driving a piece of junker lol.

If your ex insists you stay friends with them, take it as an insult.

If your ex insists you stay friends with them, take it as an insult.

Yep, usually when an ex breaks my heart and says that crap,"We can be friends" is usually their way of sounding like the nice guy so they don't feel bad for hurting me. The second a guy becomes my ex I go into no contact and focus on my healing. The second a guy becomes my ex I go into no contact and focus on my healing. I only stay friends with my ex if we share a child. Other than that I see no reason to be friends with an ex not even as a friends with benefits.