I didn't sleep well last night. I got a lovely head cold so I wasn't able to sleep much maybe 30 mins. Woke up this morning still feeling like crap and my depression started bothering me some as well. I called from work today since I feel bad. I work in a nursing home so thats probably where I got it.
Anyways, while I was trying to sleep laying there my mind started to wonder. I keep seeing my peers who I grew up with be married with kids. Yeah, I know it's probably not happy behind closed doors but I do wonder to myself why I never met the right guy and had a family with a career. Like I use to always have that dream of marriage and kids and now at 40 its dead. It just hurts everyone of my peers got my dreams but I didn't. My grandparents were married for 71 years and I always told my grandma how lucky she was to have found someone. Yeah, I know there is more to life their finding a partner. It just makes me feel there is no one and I'm just here to learn, experience life, and take care of my mom.
I also noticed while laying there trying fall asleep that I still hold on to the hurt of my childhood. I was always left out and alone so I ask myself,"Why"? "What did I do to deserve this"? It still hurts that I was treated as such when I know I didn't do anything to deserve it. I guess I just have to make peace with it.I know I'll never get the reasons why I was treated as such. I guess being mindful of my feelings and thoughts helps as well as putting it on here. Can't let the past make me a bitter or angry person.
My main issue right now is dealing with wanting instant gratification and envy. All my life I've always been wanting results now but I'm trying to learn to be more patient and wait things out. My envy is of my coworker. He has tons of money. Married, 5 kids, and his in laws are rich. Here I am struggling and having to watch him have money. I been reading up about envy and instant gratification but its definitely going to take time to adjust.
No comments:
Post a Comment