Slowly learning to love myself by cutting off people who clearly don’t value me as much as I value them

I’m tired of chasing people. I’m tired of looking at my phone hoping someone anyone will text. There one guy I value and all I do is chase him only to be left on deliver or open. I'm tired of chasing as well only to be left on delivered or open for days or weeks. Just wish people had the nerve to say,"Hey, I'm not interested". Instead of me always chasing. 

I guess I’m learning self love and self respect now that I’m older. I also seen something on Reddit that made so much sense. It was a list in the self love group. It went like this. 

NOTE TO SELF:

Forget those who forget you.

Let it end. Let it hurt. Let it heal. Let it go.

Don’t force your importance into someone’s life.

If they return, remember how they left you.

People lie, but actions don’t.

Everything happens for a reason. Stay calm.

Peace is always better than revenge. 

I’m glad I’m learning more and more about self love and respecting myself. It feels good.

 I hate being lonely. I'm a 40 year old female never married and no kids. I do have friends and family who I spend time with. I have my hobbies. I keep myself busy as much as I can and keep my mind busy with reading since I love to read and learn new things. But it still doesn't take away the feelings of being lonely. What's worse is the feeling of being lonely comes on strong. It usually comes on strong at night when I'm laying in bed with no one beside me or when I wake up in the mornings with no "Good morning" text from anyone. 

I know I don't need anyone. That I can handle life alone but it doesn't take away the loneliness I feel. I know I've been with a man and without one. I remember at 27 I watched my boyfriend die of a heart attack in the ER and that made me feel like a widow which made me stronger. It helped me realize I can move on from a guy and keep on living with my life. So I know how to live without someone. I just wish I knew how to live a life always feeling lonely. 

I always imagine that I'd be married, with kids, and be a stay at home mom and housewife. Never imagine that I'd be this. Not complaining I mean I am blessed. I have my health physically and mentally, I have my family, and my freedom. I just wasn't expecting to be alone in life without a partner. 

"How to Get Over a Breakup: 8 Steps to Start Healing"

                               "How to Get Over a Breakup: 8 Steps to Start Healing"

1.  Acceptance. Except that your partner no longer wants to be with you. The sooner you accept this as sooner you can begin to move on from this experience.

2. Emotions. You definitely accept your emotions no matter how high low they are there. Your human you got emotions so you might as well learn how to accept it.

     3. Be kind to yourself. Don't kick yourself or put yourself down in the process. Breakups happen all the time to everyone. 

        4. Mindfulness. Being aware of your thoughts and emotions. Don't judge them accept them and feel them. Don't push them away. Thoughts and emotions are at a all time high when your going through a breakup so being aware of them and accepting them for what they are ( just thoughts and emotions ) will make the process easier.

        5. Don't beg. Please, please, please don't beg. Begging does nothing but feed their ego and makes you look awful. 

6. Journaling. I've had a journal since I was 8 years old and it is great for writing out your emotions and thoughts. You can use your journal to vent and vent all you want.

7. Don't stalk your ex. For God sakes don't stalk them. Don't look at their social media, don't call or text, and don't go by their house.

8. Don't think they were the one. If they were the one they couldn't leave.

9.  Don't keep playing good time events or looking at old text messages. 

10. Don't sit by your phone hoping they will call and have a change of heart. 

 I have no one to blame for the way my life is right now. I'm at a job making 11.50 an hour barely making it. I have $1200 saved in my emergency fund that I thought about putting on a down payment for a better more gas saving card and I get denied constantly from lenders. My credit is 612 but still the interest rates are high. I wished in my youth I'd worked on myself more. But no I sit on my ass and did nothing but go on stupid dating apps hoping to find Mr. Right and all I got out of that was being used and hurt. 

It's my fault for not trying to better myself in my youth. I had so much oppranties to do so. I wish I could just slap my younger self for being so naive. Yeah, I get it. I was young and shouldn't be so hard on myself but it still sucks being 40 at a job making 11.50 when I could be doing so much better had I focused on myself in my youth. And life now and days is hard. Everything is expensive.  

Dumb love

All my life I've chased nothing but relationships. I honestly thought that love was real. That if I looked hard enough I'd find it. I went on dating sites spending hours and hours looking and chatting. Went on dates. Got close to guys only to end up hurt and alone. Most of them used me. They either want money or sex. I can remember telling guys on them dating sites that I didn't want a hookup or fwb just love. Now here I am 40 year old female with nothing to show but lessons learned the hard way. After years of chasing I don't really know myself so now I'm stepping back from the fantasy of love that Disney movies has gave me from my childhood. I look back and don't even recognize my past self. I gave up so much for so called love even giving power over to a guy. I let a guy talk any way to me and do whatever he wanted. I let him ghost me, hurt, and reappear like it was nothing. I just didn't care as long as the guy didn't leave me. Boy, what a wake up call. After years of this I'm finally letting go of the thing called love and focusing on myself and being better to myself. 

I don’t know why I let him ignore me and keep me on delivered. I don't know why I let it get to me. I guess I thought since I was loving and patient with him he'd treat me good, but I didn’t know he would treat me like this. It’s like why would you want to treat somebody who is loyal respectful and love it like this? I guess it’s just he likes having the power of control to do this stuff. 

This is what I hate about being a good person. I let men do this to me. I gotta just start standing up to such treatment. I’m getting older now and I know I've wore myself out mentally and emotionally. I can’t keep digging myself in an early grave with worrying anxiety. It doesn't change the men. Now I know why the statemeant, "You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength"By Marcus Aurelius is. I don't have the power to control him leaving me on delivered, but I have control over the way I act. And honestly, I'm wore out and tired of causing my own suffering. It doesn't make him talk to me. So why keep causing myself stress?

Now I just got to change myself mentally. Stop looking at my phone to see if he's seen my text. Stop hoping he'll text me back. And stop getting upset because I haven't heard from him. I know in the past I've been ghosted badly and I guess that fear drives me to act the way I do when someone goes quiet. I know there's still deep seated wounds inside from past ghosting. 

When it comes to my past wounds. I acknowledge them and feel them. I can't chase them away. I can only feel them. Not afraid of feeling my emotions as long as I don't let them take over. 

Sad

 A good friend of mine who was only 49 passed away 2 days ago April 07. He thought the world of me. We had a gufe falling out and reconnected this year. We made peace with each other. Last time we talked was early March. He told me that he had emphysema and the doctors said he had a few months to live. He was also being put on disability. Then he joked with me by saying if I married him I'd be the one getting his life insurance if he passed. He also told me he still loved me and wanted to spend the next last months with me. 

I really hate he passed but I knew he wasn't happy. He regretted not taking care of his health. He always use to tell me how he wished he was a health nut like me. I can still remember our late night talks about life and how he always texted me in the morning with,"Good morning baby". God I miss that. When we first met it was at work and I was going threw a bad breakup. He talked to me daily and helped me get threw them dark days. He shared with me how he's been hurt by women. He shared his whole life story with me. He had a teenage daughter with his ex and he always said she helped him threw a lot. 

Now here I am writing about our time together. Never imagine I would be doing this. But I hope he's happy and at peace.